Bittersweet
by SilentCynara
Summary: When two people fall in love, there are supposed to be happy endings...but what if one of you is Chinese and under pressure to marry someone of the same background and social class, and the other isn’t free? Partially co-authored with Cheeseycraziness.
1. Chapter 1

**Bittersweet**

**Summary: **When two people fall in love, there are supposed to be happy endings, right? What if one of you is Chinese and under pressure to marry someone of the same background and social class, and the other isn't free? Is a little love worth the pain that follows

* * *

**Author's notes: **1) I do not own the CCS characters nor the song "Invisible War" by Julia Fordham

2) Co-authored with the awesome **CheeseyCraziness**, who provided the basic plot outline. The parts set in italics at the beginning of each section are hers. Please check out my profile for the link to her oneshot version of this story.

* * *

**Chapter One: Invisible War**

**Invisible war, seems we're waging an invisible war**

_He called me over, a sharp tone in his voice. I winced. Now what was it?_

_Wistfully I remembered a time when I would have loved to be called by that voice; I recalled days when the sight of him would simply make me melt with joy I remember when the three syllables of my name rolled off his tongue like a lover's touch: Sa-Ku-Ra._

_Now, it only brought me pain to see him. When had things gone so wrong?_

* * *

**Strained maneuvers, keeping silent score**

He would regret the pain in her eyes but he knew this was the only way. _**Cut it now, Li. End it before you hurt her even more**_.

Syaoran knew what he was doing was unforgivable. He knew he'd led Sakura on—even he had to admit it—he'd been so close to telling her the truth about what he felt for her so many times.

Why was it so hard? Three short words: "I love you."

And yet they held the power to destroy everything in his world.

He knew she at least felt something for him…but exactly what, Syaoran would never know. And that was the price he was paying to protect her now. He would never know that Sakura loved him as deeply and desperately as he did her.

As he waited for the woman he loved…and whom he was now pushing away—to arrive at his office, Syaoran looked out the bay windows of his large office and thought of her.

He would never remember exactly when it was that he began to fall for Sakura. Was it on the first day he met her, when he interviewed her prior to hiring her for the English editorship at the Japan Bulletin, which his family, the Lis, owned?

He had walked into the restaurant where she and her boyfriend Yasu were waiting for him, and he remembered that she was pretty. Syaoran had just broken up with his own fiancee, Shaiya, when his mother objected to their marriage. Shaiya was Chinese, but had been born in the year of the Dragon. Supposedly, Dragons like her would dominate Pigs like him.

_**When I found out Sakura had been born in the year of the Ox, my heart leapt. We were compatible. **_

Sakura was pleasant and sweet, and Syaoran remembered her boyfriend Yasu more: the man seemed pleasant but somehow, he unsettled Syaoran. How he had landed someone as pretty and cheerful as Sakura was a mystery to Syaoran.

He would soon learn that while she had once truly been a cheerful soul, the 'slings and arrows' of fate had taken their toll on her, and now, her cheerfulness was a facade. Only Syaoran got to see that side of her—she kept the darkness well hidden—but at the same time, he got to see the rare times when Sakura was truly happy and cheerful.

_**And now I am making her unhappy, **_he thought miserably.

He would have reason to worry about Yasu many times in the future, especially after he discovered that Yasu was cheating on Sakura.

_**Can he love her and protect her the way I can? **_Syaoran knew Yasu had recently proposed to Sakura, thanks to what she confided in his cousin Xialin Li. She knew about Syaoran's feelings for Sakura, and since Sakura considered her a confidant, Sakura told her about what was going on in her relationship with Yasu. He found himself hoping she would say no...but then...

_**Who am I kidding? I've left her alone more times than I care to count because I wanted to be so careful about not letting people catch us together.**_

_**And yet…because I was weak…people did notice us together. I betrayed her by falling in love with her, and letting people see how much she meant to me.**_

Was it that first time he spent time with Sakura during the first JB Christmas party she attended with him? Certainly she'd attended briefly once with Yasu before she began working full time, but during her first party, Syaoran had broken tradition by going over and eating next to Sakura in the gymnasium where the party was held. It drew attention because the Lis did not mingle with employees, after all.

She'd been quiet and somewhat preoccupied that night; he'd had to fix a plate for her to eat. "You'll like it," he said as he escorted her to the buffet line. "Big Bowl of China. Their dumplings rock." She smiled as he piled her plate. People watched as he escorted her back to the table, and gaped when he sat down beside her. Syaoran remembered watching Sakura's lips as she talked, remembered delighting in the sound of her voice.

No matter how long he lived, he would never forget her voice.

Later, he'd caught a glimpse of her hugging Xialin in the quiet private passageway behind the gym. Sakura seemed upset afterwards, and Syaoran could have sworn he'd seen tears in her eyes, but he didn't dare ask either Sakura or Xialin what had happened.

Much later he found out what it was: Yasu had refused to go to the party with her, then picked a fight right before the party.

Later, to his surprise, during a routine meeting in his office, Sakura had suddenly spoken and told him about it, confessing that she was wondering whether she'd be happier without Yasu. He'd cheated on her once, at least once that she already knew of, and she suspected he would continue to do so.

_**And I had to play the noble hero.**_

Syaoran had listened to her, comforted her with his words. His huge desk was between them, and he could see Sakura needed some physical comfort—a hug, even a just touch—but he could not give it to her in fear that someone might see and misinterpret it. So instead he offered her the story of his own broken engagement, and told her that he'd broken it off himself because he didn't want Shaiya to suffer from his family's hostility.

Sakura had listened, and then she told Syaoran she was afraid of being lonely or alone. Syaoran then said, "Are you willing to live your life with someone who doesn't love you because you're afraid of being alone?"

He waited with bated breath for her answer.

And when she didn't respond, his heart ached. _**So that was her greatest fear.**_

_**I can't be with you. My family won't like you because you're not Chinese, he thought. I'll just hurt you.**_

And yet his treacherous heart betrayed him when he woke up one day that Christmas season to discover that he was deeply in love with Sakura. Syaoran had never even noticed; it just crept up on him and hit him hard.

_**I want to be the one you come home to. I want to be the one to wake up next to you in the morning. I want you, **_he thought.

He knew he would never have her, though. This wasn't a fairy tale, or a romantic story. They were trapped in real life…and he knew one thing: real life always had prices and consequences.

Which was why he **had **to hurt her now. _**That way I can't hurt you anymore, **_Syaoran thought. _**That way, you can hate me...and maybe you and I can learn to forget each other.**_

* * *

**Every day I seem to lose you more...**

"_Meiling-chan," I said, looking at my secretary and friend with a teasing smile. "Whatever he wants, you're taking the heat too."_

_She sighed and nodded, clicking away a few more times on the computer before she grabbed her files, ready to follow me. She seemed annoyed about something. _No doubt I interrupted her chat with that friend of hers, Tomoyo, _I thought, amused. Meiling was notorious for it. _

_Meiling followed me into his office. There he sat at his desk, his eyes looking at me in a way I had recently become used to – emotionlessly. My heart wrenched. Once, he had never showed me that expression – only light humor, happiness, honesty, or caring softness. But now, I never saw anything but a reflection of the void in my soul._

It wasn't always that way.

Sakura remembered when Syaoran followed her to Hong Kong, two years ago, when she first started working full time for the JB. It was her first trip abroad. She's always been afraid of airplanes, and fought desperately against being sent to Hong Kong. Syaoran smiled at her when he called her into his office to tell her the news: she was going to be sent to the Asian International Editors' Conference.

Horrified, Sakura made excuses: _who's going to close my section? I'm shorthanded. I can't go._

"We can get someone to cover for you. Honestly, Kinomoto-san, it's okay for you to go," Syaoran smiled.

"I can't..."

"Is something wrong?" He leaned forward. _**He's always been able to see right through me, **_Sakura thought, _**and he knows I'm upset about something.**_

And, ashamed, she admitted the truth. "I'm scared the plane might crash. I...I'm scared of traveling alone."

He didn't laugh, though they were the only ones in his office . Instead, a gentle look came into his eyes. "It will be okay. Trust me," he said.

Sakura so wanted him to reach out, to touch her…and he did. Across Syaoran's large desk, he touched the back of her hand softly, for a very brief moment; their eyes met.

_**That was when I first realized how beautiful his amber eyes were, how I could drown in them in seconds, and have it feel like eternity.**_

Then he cleared his throat. "So. Who else should we send there?" He smiled. "So you won't be alone."

_**He's sending others abroad so I won't have to be alone.**_

"No...Li-san, please...you don't have to," Sakura blushed furiously.

"I don't want you to be alone if you're unhappy being alone," he said softly, not meeting her eyes.

The silence that stretched between them was sweet and gentle, like a lover's kiss. When he finally raised his eyes to meet Sakura's bottle-green ones, there was a connection.

One of Syaoran's bank of phones suddenly rang, shattering the moment, which passed.

_**But it was one of the sweetest moments of my life. Looking back it sounds pathetic…but I still remember every detail: his eyes, his scent like clean liniment, and his nearness.**_

The flight was smooth and uneventful; Sakura was sent to the conference with Naoko, Chiharu, and Mei Ling. She and Naoko shared one hotel room, and Chiharu and Mei Ling were next door. Sakura was relieved; it felt as though the flight was okay precisely because Syaoran had said it would be.

Two days after they arrived, Naoko, who was senior to Sakura, suddenly insisted they go out for dinner to the Central district. Sakura was tired; they'd had a long day with lots of on-the-spot writing and workshopping. So Sakura told her she didn't want to inconvenience them and would just rest in their room.

Naoko raised an eyebrow then kept typing messages on her cell phone; Sakura assumed it was to her boyfriend Haru. Then she went out to the hotel corridor to talk to whoever it was. All Sakura heard was snatches, including "She won't go! Can I tell her you're coming?"

Sakura shrugged and went to her side of the room, changing into her favorite pink nightie. It was only 6 pm but she wanted to rest, so she lay down on the nice, soft bed—which she knew she wouldn't have to make herself. The thought pleased her; work was hard but fun, but working on household chores were quite a trial.

Naoko, reentering the room, shrieked. "No, Sakura-chan! You can't go to bed yet! We have to go out to dinner!"

"Naoko, really, I'm fine. I can just get takeout from you guys or skip the meal," Sakura smiled wearily. Naoko stood there, fidgeting with her glasses, then blurted out, "Syaoran-san is here, and he wants to have dinner with us."

She bolted upwards, choking back a childish "Hoee!" on her lips. _**What was he doing in Hong Kong? **_

Naoko read her expression, and said, "He's attending to some business for his family here. He…" and she twisted a lock of hair, "he wanted to surprise y…I mean, us."

Sakura's heart melted at the thought. _**He'd flown all the way from Japan just to be with me?**_

_**Don't be silly! **_She pushed the thought away. After all, the Lis were based in Hong Kong. _**I had nothing to do with his decision. **_Instead, she quickly changed and all four young women headed for a Chinese restaurant in Central.

Sakura noticed when they arrived that everyone—Syaoran's entourage, including his best friend Eriol and assistant Yamazaki, and the three women with her—pointedly avoided a seat next to Syaoran, and shrugging, she sat there. He smiled playfully, and asked, "Liked your flight?"

"Sure!" Sakura grinned at him. "It wasn't so bad. Maybe it was because you said it would be okay. Thanks...for not laughing at me."

"I'm glad," he said softly.

_**His beautiful brown eyes are all I can see**_…In the cold February wind, his cheeks had gone pink from wind burn outside, and his lips were dry. Sakura wanted to touch his lips when she remembered…_**I already have a boyfriend.**_

Who had not bothered to call or text her ever since she arrived in Hong Kong, not even to find out if she had arrived safely on her first international trip. Even though he knew how scared she was of the flight.

Yasu. He had never told Sakura he loved her, but he was there and he was okay as boyfriends went. Sometimes Sakura wondered if she stayed with him because she was afraid to be alone. _**I have never been good at being alone, and any company is better than nothing, **_she thought.

Syaoran offered to order for Sakura, who happily agreed. He smiled, liking the way she was enthusiastic about everything, and chose the restaurant's best dishes (causing Eriol to raise an eyebrow as he knew how much they cost). He was gratified when she loved it: spicy noodles, steamed fish fillets, Wagyu beef. When she couldn't finish what he'd piled on her plate, he teased her, saying, "I like girls who can eat."

"Mou, Syaoran, I love to eat! It's just…there's too much food!" Sakura protested, holding her stomach for emphasis. Syaoran laughed, and began to ask her about why she liked cats, what she did in college, and so on.

Sakura would later write in her journal: _**It was only much later that I realized no one else was talking to us. We were in our own little world; he was asking me about my college days, I was teasing him about his love for bowling and soccer. Had I known that it was our first date, so to speak, I would have treasured every moment more.**_

* * *

**Both wishing it was like before...**

"_Kinomoto, this is unacceptable," he said evenly. I blinked at him, surprised. Now I was Kinomoto? When had he stopped using my name?_

Syaoran remembered the first time he had called Sakura by her name. The JB held a charity Christmas party every year, and those parties sometimes got wild when beneficiaries decided to stampede the giveaway section. They always prepared giveaway bags of canned goods and gift certificates. This year was no exception; it was a chore he had come to dread, and only the children attending could bring a smile to Syaoran's face.

Which was why he was surprised to see Sakura helping out at the giveaway line; he hadn't expected her to be there as she'd only been working for the JB full time for the past two weeks. But there she was, smiling at the children, squeezing her eyes shut in delight, and looking absolutely beautiful.

He was in the back room, handing out goody bags to whoever was standing by the tables. Yamazaki slyly moved Sakura to a table near Syaoran, who was startled to find her green eyes smiling into his the next time he handed a bunch of bags to the person waiting there.

Syaoran found himself wishing he didn't have hands of ice, because when she took the bags from him, Sakura was startled; her eyes widened, and she looked at him.

"Your hands are cold, Li-san," she said, somewhat amazed.

Syaoran managed to return a weak grin at her, and to say, "They're always like that."

"Oh," was all she said, then they stood there, smiling at each other. Without intending to, they were color-coordinated; she was in a red and white shirt and blue jeans, he was in a blue and white shirt, and jeans. It was something that would happen often in the years they spent together.

Sakura smiled then turned back to the line in front of her. Yamazaki noted with amusement how Syaoran began to hand goody bags only to Sakura, and would move his hand in such a way that she would have to touch his. Then they would smile at each other, and repeat the cycle.

Soon, all the goody bags had been handed out. Left without anything to do, Syaoran didn't realize he was staring at Sakura; he wanted to touch her hair, to smell her scent of flowers. Then the crowd began to press forward.

Tables began being moved backwards, and lines were broken when the beneficiaries began to demand more than one goody bag. Sakura, at the frontline, began to be pushed backwards. Naoko was slammed to the wall, and Yamazaki had to yell at the crowd to calm down. No effect.

Sakura cried out when she lost her balance; the crowd was pushing her table backwards and she was about to be crushed. The expression on her face was of pure fear, and Syaoran found himself frantic with worry. _**She's not used to this!**_

_**Sakura! **_He thought of her first. Yamazaki heard him curse, then say, "She's going to get hurt!" Syaoran threw himself between her and the table that was teetering on the brink of collapsing on her, grabbed her by her slender waist, and yanked her into the back room of the office gym.

The force of his movement threw them both to the floor, and Syaoran managed to twist his body so that he would not land on her and hurt her. Vaguely he noticed how soft her skin was, how good she smelled. How beautiful her eyes, her cheeks, and her lips were…and how close his lips were to hers in their awkward position.

"Sakura," he said softly.

She blushed. "Li-san," she responded.

"Just...Syaoran," he whispered back.

Yamazaki burst their bubble by coming into the room. "Syaoran-san, we've got the crowd under control." He grinned when he saw the position they were in, and Syaoran quickly stood up, taking Sakura with him as he did.

"Are you all right?" he asked her.

"I am, thanks to you," she smiled gratefully.

Syaoran had no idea that he wasn't the only one with butterflies rioting in his stomach and throat at that moment.

Had he been able to hear Sakura's thoughts, he would have heard this: _**He called me by my name.**_

And how beautifully her name rolled off his tongue.

* * *

**Talk about a fine line between love and hate...**

_Was he really going to scold me? In front of not only my own secretary, but his three secretaries? I bit my lip, knowing better than to interrupt. _

"_This section was supposed to go in Lifestyle. Yes, I know it's a new section, but still."_

_I looked at the newspaper he held in his hands, and my confusion grew. _

_This… He had already approved this page the day before, not once, but twice! And now he was telling me that it was wrong? What was going on?_

Because Sakura's duties involved copyediting and closing the leisure section—one of the biggest and most profitable of the Japan Bulletin—she and Syaoran found themselves spending time together, as Syaoran had been responsible for the revamp of the section. He slowly taught her the rules: how to cut press releases short, what to accept, what articles to classify under where, and so on.

He also began to oversee and adjust page layouts personally in the large AVR-slash-office he'd set up near his own. And that meant having Sakura by his side so that she could check on spelling, headlines, and so on.

_**We work together well, **_he thought; she learned quickly, and could anticipate what he wanted on a page. Once, he even surprised himself by taking the mouse as it was in her hand, and pretending to guide her as she adjusted font leading and size.

_**His hands are so cold, **_Sakura thought, but a shiver ran through her. She had since accepted that Syaoran's presence would always make her jump; sometimes, he would just appear behind her abruptly; other times he would push the doors open loudly so she would look up, and he would give her a big, boyish grin that would squeeze his eyes shut...and each time she would blush and look away because what he did made her fall for him even more.

Both had almost forgotten about her boyfriend. _**And it was all for the better, **_Sakura thought bitterly; Yasu tended to pick fights over things as small as her not being able to run to the bank and pay his credit card bills, or her occasional tardiness in picking him up to deliver him to his office, which was near hers, in the morning. He would make up for it later on by treating her to dinner or being extra nice, but still...if she had been honest with herself, she would have realized that the relationship was emotionally abusive in some ways.

But she was too afraid to let go, to be alone. She didn't dare hope that Syaoran would act on whatever it was between them. Plus she was somewhat ashamed of letting Yasu treat her that way.

_**He is a good friend, **_she thought. To his credit Yasu had been there when she had lost her family, and he had, in his odd way, taken care of her. But it was so strange that in such a short time, Syaoran had made so many more romantic gestures that thrilled Sakura than Yasu had in the course of their long, complicated relationship. _**He'll be there when I call, **_Sakura convinced herself—forgetting of the many times he had abandoned her after fights, of when he had pushed her when she needed help. The mind is an amazing thing; it shows people what they need to see when they can no longer cope, and Sakura's was an exceptionally fine one.

Syaoran already knew about Yasu; she didn't have to say anything because he could see the traces of her having cried in the mornings when Yasu picked fights (and Syaoran quickly noticed how often Yasu picked fights with Sakura in the mornings, and would refuse to take her calls or answer her text messages, rendering her upset the entire day and forcing her to pretend to be extra cheerful). And each time she would lie and pretend she was having a cold or not feeling well.

She had no idea what it took out of Syaoran to pretend not to know what was going on.

The secret Syaoran kept was that he had seen Yasu out one night with another woman. Syaoran had left the office with Yamazaki and Eriol—who slyly suggested that they invite Sakura to join them for dinner. Syaoran would thank his lucky stars that he hadn't invited Sakura, because he spotted Yasu at the Emperor's Palace, a large, swanky restaurant in downtown Tokyo. Yasu had a voluptuous woman on his arm, with big brown eyes and long, curly hair. The woman was openly seductive; Yamazaki was openly staring.

Eriol caught Syaoran's expression and said in a warning tone, "If you tell Sakura, you will make a huge mistake."

"And why?" Syaoran's amber eyes glared into Eriol's midnight blue ones.

"Because she creates an illusion of happiness with that man. Remove that prop, and you shatter her world," Eriol said quietly.

"You want me to stand by and do nothing as this man cheats on her?" Syaoran said in a heated whisper; he didn't want Yamazaki to hear. _**If I tell Sakura, she will break up with him and she will be free, **_Syaoran thought wildly, recklessly.

Eriol calmly looked into Syaoran's eyes. "Can you give Sakura what she needs?" A pause, then Eriol said, "You can't, Syaoran. And you know why. Don't fool yourself."

"What makes you think I have a thing for her?" Syaoran said defensively.

"I don't think. I know," Eriol replied. "All I have to do is see how you look at her. You're in love, Syaoran...but with the wrong woman."

Unable to think of a reply, Syaoran turned on his heel and walked off. Eriol watched him sadly, then adjusted his eyeglasses. Syaoran had to realize what a mistake it would be to fall for Sakura...and soon. While he liked the girl well enough—who could resist her perky attitude, her positivity, her cheerfulness—Eriol also knew well enough to be able to predict that Yelan Li and the rest of the Li clan would never accept someone who was not Chinese.

And that was the least of the barriers to the love that was beginning to grow between Syaoran and Sakura. Eriol sighed. There would be no happy ending; only tears and sorrow, and he did not know how to spare the two the worst of the consequences.

_**Perhaps they should be allowed to love, even for a while? **_he wondered. Then he answered his own question: **No. **

Because even a small taste of love would be bittersweet for two people who could not be together.

And so Eriol watched as Syaoran and Sakura spent their mornings together. For both of them, it was a quiet time they cherished; even when they did not speak, the nearness of the other was enough. Sakura began to be more cheerful, and Syaoran was beginning to relax. Additionally, she was looking happier; once, Eriol caught her giving Syaoran a starry-eyed look, and even he had to admit she was becoming more beautiful.

Syaoran was beginning to come to the office early, at 730 in the morning, so that he could have more alone time with Sakura. The other employees melted out of the office when Syaoran came in to be with Sakura; the times she was late, he found himself getting anxious, and once, he was unable to stop himself from sending her a text message asking where she was.

Eriol soon realized that the two had found a way to express affection: by saying good morning to each other. The way Sakura said "Good morning!" to Syaoran—or, when she was feeling playful, "Hey!" it sounded like, "I love you," and he saw how Syaoran would perk up, no matter how bad his morning was, and respond with a soft smile and a "Good morning, Sakura," or an affectionate, "Hey," back at her.

Sakura always thought of the word "gentle" with Syaoran. She knew he could be aloof—she'd attended a few meetings outside the JB with him and seen how he dealt with others—but with her, he always made time to be kind, to listen to her, and to see her in his office. And it always thrilled her when they worked on the page layouts. She loved it when they sat together, and she would secretly try to breathe his scent of clean liniment in. When they accidentally touched, she would lose her breath—never noticing how Syaoran stiffened and tried to preserve the contact as long as he could. She loved watching Syaoran work, and knowing he knew she was watching him was a comfortable yet tense thing. _Imagine, who am I and yet he goes out of his way to spend time with me? I really wish I knew what he feels_, she thought to herself.

Syaoran knew he had gone out of his way for the past few days to have his "alone time" with Sakura. Though he was desperately busy preparing for the JB anniversary, he would stay late to be with Sakura and close the pages together. He also made it a point never to "command" her to do anything; he always phrased anything of the sort as a request so as not to be rude. He never knew how she was touched by his effort; when Yasu dumped his chores on Sakura, he was imperious and demanding. Sometimes, and she resented this the most, she even had to send messages to his friends on his cell phone—as if she were some secretary. _**Syaoran never makes me do this, **_she would think defiantly even as she obeyed Yasu. And the thought never failed to warm her, to make her feel better.

One morning, Syaoran collapsed into the chair beside Sakura, somewhat red with anger. His mother was pressuring him about an ad for the hotel they owned, and he was furious that he'd been assigned to take care of something that was someone else's job. He had to design and lay out the ad, then determine where to put it in the paper.

Appalled, Sakura asked, "Isn't that the PR person's job?"

Syaoran leaned back and placed an arm over his eyes briefly—he hadn't gotten much sleep recently—and then said, "Yeah. Yeah, it is."

He opened a new Adobe InDesign file and began to choose from design layouts. He then turned to Sakura, and handed her a printout of the ad copy. "I suck at writing copy," he joked weakly. "Could you...please, rewrite this?"

"Of course," Sakura smiled at him, and Syaoran felt as though things would be better now that she was with him. She read the text, and was unable to suppress her laughter. "Come to the HOTEL and CELEBRTAE the celebration of ur life with a celebration to end all parties, come one and to all!!" it said.

"You ought to fire your PR person," she giggled. "This is beyond lame. Grammar, spelling, everything!" She quickly typed in, "Come celebrate life's happiest occasions with us," to replace the offending line.

"Believe me, I would like nothing better," Syaoran said softly as he ran through various fonts. "God, everything looks gaudy. Arial's too plain, as is Times, and my mom hates Verdana."

"Try Palatino," Sakura suggested. "It's not offensive and is easily read."

Syaoran clicked on the font, and it looked good; she was right. "You have an eye for this," he complimented her.

"Oh no..." she blushed.

He turned to look at her. "You really should learn to accept compliments," he said softly.

"Ah..." and she blushed even harder.

His cell phone went off with several messages, but Syaoran ignored them all. Sakura's nearness, her soft voice, her soothing presence...his anger was dissipating slowly.

"I'm done with the text," Sakura said softly. "I can go now, leave you to your work..."

"Don't," Syaoran said gently. "Please. Stay. I might need your help in a while." He didn't, but he wanted to savor being with her if only for a moment or two. Syaoran caught himself when he almost leaned his head on Sakura's shoulder; he jerked backwards, but instead moved his chair so that his arm was touching hers.

_**He is so warm, **_Sakura thought, not daring to move or break the connection between them, not knowing that Syaoran wasn't moving for the same reason.

And neither of them knew that Eriol was watching them sadly from a distance.

* * *

**Author's additional note: **A lot of the events here are taken from a real couple I've been wanting to write about for months. You can tell they are in love but they simply can't have a relationship. This story is dedicated to CheeseyCraziness for finally putting the whole thing together and for inspiring me to write. Expect the second part of this threeshot in a month.


	2. Syaoran's Firefly

(Author's note below)

**Bittersweet Chapter 2: Syaoran's Firefly  
**

_How unbearable, for women, is the tenderness which a man can give them without love. For men, how bittersweet this is._ **(Albert Camus)**

It had been a few months since she had started working for the JB. In the past few days, Sakura noticed that every morning, no matter how early she arrived, there would be a deep red apple on her desk. Nobody ever noticed who had left it there, and when she asked the guard on duty about who'd been in her office, the man smiled and shrugged.

Picking it up, she absently munched on it as she waited outside Syaoran's office to show him the daily proofs. It was crisp, firm, and sweet, just the way she loved apples, and the startlingly red color was gorgeous. Plus, she often forgot to have breakfast, so the apples were a welcome morning treat for her.

Soon she was called in to Syaoran's office. She handed him the proofs and, unable to resist, she continued munching on the apple as she waited for his comments. Sakura grinned when he lifted his eyes to watch her eating the apple, and sheepishly wiped off some of the juice that tricked down the side of her mouth.

Syaoran grinned. In their idle talks and chats, Sakura had mentioned that she loved red Delicious apples, and was sad that only the pale Chinese variety was readily available in their part of Tokyo. He had a small orchard at home; he loved gardening, and he cultivated fruits and flowers. And just so happened to grow Delicious apples. So he'd taken to leaving an apple on her desk for her to find in the mornings. It was a good thing he didn't require much sleep; Sakura came in early, and he often had to come in at 7, or earlier, to make sure no one saw him leaving his apples on her desk.

"They're good, aren't they?" Syaoran smiled.

Sakura smiled back slowly. "From you?" she asked.

He nodded playfully, pleased she'd figured it out so quickly, the proofs long forgotten as he stood up to stand next to her. A few long strides, and he was inhaling her innately berry-like scent.

She looked up at him and squeezed her eyes shut as she smiled again. "Thank you. The apples make a great breakfast," she said.

"A meal which you really ought not to skip," Syaoran said solemnly. Sakura chuckled; she knew he was kidding. Few people saw the playful, silly side of Syaoran, something she liked a lot in him.

"Mou but I'm fat," Sakura protested.

"Skipping meals won't make you lose weight," Syaoran said sternly. This time Sakura could tell he meant it.

"Food is a serious business with you, ne?" Sakura said as she took another bite. Syaoran nodded, and she munched thoughtfully. "You know, I don't know why apples are associated with sin," Sakura said. "The Bible doesn't mention a specific fruit in Genesis," she added.

Syaoran enjoyed this, exchanging trivia with her. "During the Renaissance, apples were a luxury at English courts. Since they had so many superstitions about it, the apple began to be a symbol of luxury, of the forbidden. Its fate was sealed when artists began painting Eve with it." He watched her eyes; he loved it when they widened when he told her things she didn't know. He'd never met anyone who was so happy to learn things, so honest about what she didn't know; he had fallen that much deeper in love with her when she had once innocently declared to him over lunch, "I like learning things. I find out how much I don't know, realize how much more I have to learn, then I get this thrill when I find out!" Oh yes, he loved her mind.

But that wasn't all he loved about her. Her eyes; they were amazing. He could not tire of looking into them; indeed, during meetings, he'd had to discipline himself because even when someone else was talking, he liked facing her and looking into her eyes, watching her reactions. Worse, he'd gotten into the habit of surprising her; he liked to seize, poke, or tickle Yamazaki when she was around, just to hear her startled gasp, see her shocked reaction.

And the way she bit into the apple; Syaoran swallowed as she nibbled the last sweet bits off the core. Her even white teeth—the product of braces in high school, she'd told him—he sometimes had dreams about her teeth and her lips. Specifically, of her biting and kissing him. Or better yet, doing to him the things only lovers did...

_**Enough, Li! **_He scolded himself for having that kind of intrusive thought about her. If he cared to admit it, he had those thoughts about Sakura rather frequently. He was, after all, an adult male with adult needs. But, he scolded himself, he preferred that that kind of need be mutual. As is, he was already in her personal space, leaning into her, their shoulders brushing lightly.

Sakura shivered when she felt him near her, and her eyes widened when she noticed where Syaoran's eyes were. His eyes had gone a dark chocolate as he watched her finish off the apple, and the expression in them left her breathless. Suddenly she was conscious that he was standing next to her, his scent of liniment with eucalyptus washing over her like something soothing. She was aware that whenever Syaoran was near, she always had to fight the physical reactions of her body: her breath would slow down almost to a gasp, her muscles would tense, and she would sometimes shiver. She was no fool; she knew she was almost violently attracted to him, and knowing that he responded to her on some level thrilled and scared her.

Not only was he classically handsome—high cheekbones, large thickly lashed eyes, sensuous lips, a leanly muscled build—he had that undefinable charisma that made her feel giddy whenever he was around. And she had begun to sense when he was there before she turned into a corridor, when she walked into a room, even when he turned up unexpectedly at a newspapering function she attended some time ago.

And then she looked up. His lips were mere inches away from her forehead.

"I...uh..." Sakura looked around uncertainly. Dear God she _**wanted **_him to kiss her, so instead she nervously twirled the apple core in her fingers, not catching his intense stare.

"Trash can?" Syaoran asked. Gods but this woman—not a girl, despite her girlish qualities—she _**affected **_him. He became silly and even downright playful around her. He hadn't teased a woman in years, yet he'd playfully nicknamed her "Puppy Girl," something he called her only when they were alone. In return he'd been called "Hands" by Sakura in reference to his large, dexterous hands.

Sakura nodded and almost gasped when his hand touched her arm. "Behind my desk," Syaoran said, and he guided her there.

She tossed the apple core in, then was surprised when he guided her into his large office chair. "Sit, puppy. I want you to hear something," Syaoran said.

He turned on his large stereo system and played a song. He'd long since noticed that she liked music; her best friend was a singer of nearly opera caliber, and sometimes he would catch her moving her hips to the beat of whatever was playing on her iPod when she didn't know someone was in the corridor with her. That she was graceful despite occasionally being utterly and yet cutely clumsy didn't surprise Syaoran anymore; part of what made him love her was the many surprises she was capable of giving him.

He had chosen a ballad, and when she leaned back and closed her eyes to listen, he found himself watching her...something he was rarely able to do.

The ballad was in Chinese, Sakura soon realized, a language she only had a rudimentary grasp of. But the melody was beautiful, and she listened to it. It felt like a love song, something with longing and sweetness in it, and she smiled as she closed her eyes to better appreciate the song. She loved it when Syaoran was playful and affectionate, and she loved...

**Him. **

She was in love with Syaoran.

Sakura's eyes shot open. _**Oh no.**_

He was standing behind her, looking down at her, the one man she wanted to love, but whom she couldn't. She was with someone else...

Someone who took her for granted. Someone who openly yawned when she told him about her day. Someone who could never make her feel the thrills and the fireworks and the butterflies Syaoran gave her simply by being near.

Someone whom she knew was cheating on her.

_**I should break it off with Yasu, **_she thought. Syaoran...Syaoran had given her so much more, shown her so many tender gestures in the short time they had been close. She lived for the moments when their skin touched, when she could hear his breathing in her ear.

But reality soon intruded. Sakura realized that a relationship with Syaoran would be complicated and painful. He had many duties and obligations; he could not give her what she needed—a relationship in which they were everything to each other.

And yet she could not walk away from him.

Feeling his presence behind her, Sakura closed her eyes again, the song sweetly intruding on her thoughts. _**I can at least savor this moment, **_she thought. _**I can at least pretend he's mine, if only for now.**_

Not knowing Syaoran had closed his eyes and was thinking almost exactly the same thing.

"The singer keeps repeating some words in the chorus," Syaoran surprised himself by speaking after a while. "Wo ai ni," he repeated, almost singing the lines himself. "Do you know what they mean?"

"No," Sakura raised her eyebrows curiously, sensing he was about to tell her something significant

"They mean 'I love you' in Mandarin," Syaoran said quietly.

Sakura sat there, frozen. Why had he drawn her attention to those lines? _**Please don't do this to me, **_she begged him in her mind. _**I can't bear to love you.**_

And Syaoran stood there, frozen. _**Why did I say that to her?**_

_**Because I meant it, **_he realized with a shock. The realization sent fear through him, because he knew...no, correction, he did not know, only that he had a premonition it would not end well at all.

* * *

"What the hell?" Eriol heard the notes of a Chinese love song pouring from Syaoran's office. At ten in the morning. Honestly! It was a song that amused him; Syaoran's taste in music was eclectic, running from downright maudlin to hard punk rock. This particular song talked about loving someone who could not be yours. He snorted. Syaoran was clearly in a sappy mood that morning. The lyrics made Eriol chuckle; such sentimentality! He'd long since learned Chinese in order to serve the Lis better.

Nodding at Syaoran's secretary, Eriol strode through the inner door, and saw a familiar sight. Syaoran was standing next to Sakura—too close for it to be a casual thing. Sakura's eyes were closed; she was listening to the song, and Syaoran was watching her with an expression of aching love in his eyes.

_**God, **_Eriol thought, _**he's far gone when it comes to her.**_

And for the sake of the Lis, they couldn't have that.

But even he had to admit, they looked beautiful together. Syaoran's forehead was free of the lines that usually creased it; he was smiling softly. Sakura was savoring the music, and, Eriol noticed, she was breathing Syaoran's scent in.

Then Syaoran said something, Sakura responded with a question, then they both froze, just as the singer began to go into the chorus. _"I love you but I can't have you; this is bittersweet, whatever it is between you and me," _Eriol heard.

Instinctively Eriol knew Syaoran had probably done something he shouldn't have.

Like confessed his true feelings for her in some way?

_**They are in love, **_a voice said in Eriol's head. _**Do you think you have the right to stop this?**_

_**No. But this cannot be.**_ Eriol shook his head. Sentimentality had destroyed him long ago when he himself had fallen in love with an older woman. The circles they moved in, the things they had liked—all they'd had in common was each other. To the end of the affair Eriol had loved the woman, Kaho Mizuki, desperately and deeply. But when she had ended it, when she had been unable to resist the mockery of her friends who laughed at her dating a mere boy—he had been shattered.

And this, this thing with Sakura and Syaoran, it _**would **_end. Eriol knew it. The most powerful obstacle in the way was Yelan Li, who would never accept a Japanese girl of uncertain parentage for a daughter-in-law. And the Lis needed an elegant woman who could stand by Syaoran's side at family and business functions. Sakura was too much of a girl, too innocent to survive the world Syaoran moved in. She knew nothing of head games and manipulation and deals made not for the sake of what was right but what was profitable.

She would never understand Syaoran's world. Syaoran would spend too much time trying to protect Sakura, and was likely to forget his duties to the Clan. Too much effort would be needed for him to sustain a relationship with her, effort needed to nurse the growing Li industries along.

And Sakura would not be able to give Syaoran children; Eriol had researched her medical history and discovered that little fact. She was barren.

No, this relationship had to end, and soon, for their own good.

Eriol cleared his throat; Syaoran calmly stepped away from Sakura, steel in his glare at Eriol. Sakura, though, nearly jumped.

"I, ah, oops," and she giggled nervously, like a schoolgirl caught in something forbidden. "Sorry!"

Eriol smiled. "No need, Sakura-san," he said quietly. "Syaoran-sama," he said, stressing the 'sama' ever so slightly in a way he knew Syaoran would notice, "we were going to meet the marketing directors?"

"I'll be on my way then. Thanks, Syaoran!" Sakura smiled up at Syaoran, who smiled back tenderly at her.

"I'll burn you a copy later," he said. Eriol watched as Syaoran's hand stroked Sakura's under the pretext of helping her up.

"The whole album. I ought to learn Chinese!" she said as she stood up.

"Mandarin, actually. You've got Mandarin, Cantonese, and Fookien as the major Chinese dialects," Syaoran corrected gently.

"Oh." Sakura blinked. "Thanks for telling me," she said as she gathered the proofs. "Eh, are these okay?"

"Sure," Syaoran nodded—though he had barely glanced at them. In truth he required her to show him the proofs so that he could be assured that he would see her on a daily basis.

"See you later then, Syaoran!" Sakura waggled her fingers in farewell. "Bye!" she chirped at Eriol.

When she exited, Eriol pointedly stared at where she had been seated, then quietly asked, "She calls you 'Syaoran'?"

A silence, thick and sharp as a knife, stretched out between them. Eriol resisted the urge to polish his glasses.

"Why not?" Syaoran finally asked belligerently.

"Names have power," Eriol said. "The power to ensnare in affections. And she's only the second woman outside the family to call you that."

The two men glared at each other from across the room, then, as though he hadn't heard, Syaoran asked, "How many marketing assistants do we have? We've got to check on their sales figures."

Eriol simply stared at Syaoran. Clearly Syaoran was trying to take Eriol's interest off Sakura, ergo, he was trying to protect her. This didn't bode well at all, and he frowned.

Time he had a talk with Syaoran's mother.

* * *

A few days later, when Syaoran judged that Eriol had forgotten about seeing Sakura in his office, he took her out to dinner. He snuck out through the back exit of the JB and met Sakura on a side street; he was thankful that she didn't ask questions. He knew there would be questions if he took her out himself, and he didn't want Eriol finding out he'd been with Sakura.

They laughed over Yamazaki's antics, had a fish-eating contest, and when Syaoran excused himself to go to the toilet, he paid their bill along the way, knowing it would infuriate Sakura.

"You didn't have to, you know," Sakura complained as she and Syaoran exited the fish and chip shop they both liked. "You cheated!"

"Why not just say thank you?" Syaoran needled her playfully. "After all I paid for your lunch."

"Mou! You never let me pay for our meals! Someone might think I hang around you to sponge lunch or dinner off you!" Sakura whined.

Syaoran snorted. "I figure it's cheaper to feed you than to feed my posse."

"Where are they, come to think of it?" Sakura asked as she rubbed her tummy; too much spicy shrimp and mango salad sat in it.

Syaoran didn't want to tell her that he didn't like having them around when he took her out. "On diets," he said, then changed the topic. "Want to know where I get my apples?"

"Oooh yes!" Sakura's eyes lit up, and she rubbed her hands together like a child. "A market? A specialty store?"

"Somewhere even better." They had reached Sakura's tiny sedan, and Syaoran climbed into the passenger seat, vastly amused that he, the Li heir, was getting driven around in a subcompact Honda less than a tenth of the value of his favorite Toyota SUVs. "Head for Hikari Way Homes," he instructed Sakura.

"I don't have a sticker for that gated community," Sakura hesitated.

"I'm in your car," he said. "They have no choice but to let a resident in."

Indeed, the guards had no choice; they had gaped at Syaoran in the passenger seat, but had let Sakura's little car through. He directed her until they were in front of a small gate.

"Welcome to the Li household," Syaoran said as he leapt out of her car to open her door.

"Weird. Why don't you have a big gate?" Sakura asked as she shut off the engine.

"Because this is a side gate. It's a secret entryway," he joked, and watched her eyes go wide.

"Are we supposed to be here?" Sakura asked nervously as Syaoran used a key to open the gate.

"Of course. This is my part of the house," Syaoran said, then made a sweeping gesture as the gate opened. "After you."

Sakura gingerly stepped into a grassy pathway which led to a large garden. Syaoran flicked on a main switch, and lights came on in the deepening darkness of twilight.

"Oooh peonies!" Sakura quickly walked over and cupped the delicate pink blooms.

"You like them?" Syaoran smiled and tucked his hands into his pockets.

"I love flowers!" She smiled as she buried her nose in some colorful flowers nearby that gave off a delicious scent.

"I grew them, you know," Syaoran said softly as he stood behind her.

"No...really?" she cocked her head up at him.

"Really," Syaoran said. He cut off some of the peonies and handed them to Sakura. "Here."

"Is it okay? I mean...they're your flowers..." Sakura said, eyes wide. But when she looked down longingly at the flowers, he smiled.

"Flowers bloom and die anyway," Syaoran said. "If it makes you smile then you should have them. No sense to letting them wither in the bush."

Dear God he wanted to kiss her, to kiss her sweet little smile, to hold her close to him, here where no one knew who he was and who she was and there was nothing in the real world to intrude upon them. Syaoran unconsciously leaned in on her and brushed a stray curl off her cheek; she smiled as she thanked him.

Sakura had never seen a place so lovely; she was sure Syaoran had help in caring for the plants there. But the expression on his face...was he going to kiss her? She stood there, wide-eyed, waiting for him to do whatever he liked.

Syaoran stopped himself in time. A thud sounded from a distant corner of the garden, bringing him back to his senses. It was his apple tree, and apples which were nearly overripe were falling off the boughs.

He abruptly laughed, and Sakura blinked. "Apples!" he said, and tugged her towards the tree. Picking one up, he rubbed it with his sleeve.

"Don't," Sakura said. "Your suit is expensive!"

Syaoran laughed again. "It's okay." Then with a mischievous expression on his face, he tugged Sakura, who lost her balance and fell onto the thick grass with a loud squeal. He lay down next to her, lazily picking up another apple. He rubbed it against his sleeve, and took a bite. "Mmm. Juicy."

"How do they get so good anyway?" Sakura asked.

"Manure," Syaoran teased. "Lots of it."

"Eew!" Sakura paused as she bit into her apple. They looked at each other and laughed.

"Look," Sakura pulled on Syaoran's sleeve. "Isn't the night sky lovely?"

"I come here and lie down at times just to watch the sky," Syaoran admitted. "It soothes me."

"Then it's your private space," Sakura said softly. "Is it really okay for me to be here?"

"It is," Syaoran whispered, and when Sakura's hand crept into his, he nearly melted. She flinched when his fingers closed around hers.

"Your hands are always cold, ne?" she said.

Syaoran chuckled. "Yep. Sorry."

They lay that way for a long time; both lost track of the time. Both wanted so much to kiss the other, but both were afraid to ruin the moment. Instead they lay there watching the stars, with an occasional comment such as, "Hey, isn't that the Big Dipper?" or, "I've always wondered why some stars shine brighter than the others."

And for the first time in his life, Syaoran did something born from pure emotion: he opened Sakura's palm and gently unfolded her fingers.

"Hoe?" she turned to him.

"Ssshh," he said, and with one finger, he carefully began to trace classic Mandarin characters into her palm. He knew she would not understand what he was writing there, yet his strokes were careful and precise: Wo. Ai. Ni. Then he looked into her eyes.

"I don't recognize the characters," she whispered. His brown eyes simply watched her quietly; his fingers had told her what his lips couldn't.

"Someday I'll tell you what they mean," he said softly.

Then they came back to earth when their cell phones shattered the silence; they'd forgotten they had them. Syaoran was being summoned by his mother, while Sakura was being asked by Naoko about her section.

"Shit," Syaoran cursed softly. He wanted to tell his mother to fuck off, but he couldn't. "Crap. Back to the salt mines for me," he joked weakly. "Madam Li requires the honor of my presence, probably at a lecture on how badly I'm handling the company," he chuckled. He stood up and pulled Sakura to her feet, walking her to the gate.

Sakura was reluctant to leave; nothing had been more pleasant, more romantic than the time she had spent holding Syaoran's cold hand in the garden. But she dared not get in the way of him and his formidable mother.

"You don't," she said softly as she stood at the gate.

"Don't what?" Syaoran asked, reluctant to let her go.

"Don't run the company badly." Then she seized her courage in her hands and tiptoed up to kiss his cheek. "Thank you. For everything." She raised the apples she was bringing home and the peonies, smiling as she entered her car.

Syaoran wanted nothing more than to grab Sakura and kiss her senseless against the garden wall, even—to his shock—smuggle her into his quarters and spend the night by her side, not even making love, just being with her.

But he knew he couldn't. Sakura started her car and pulled away, her taillights winking at Syaoran in the darkness, like elusive fireflies. As a child he had learned it was pointless to try and catch them. They died in captivity and rarely glowed when kept in a jar. He'd learned that letting them go was the best thing he could do...and he was saddened by the thought that Sakura might be his firefly.

* * *

Syaoran was alone in his office—a rare occurrence for one usually surrounded by bodyguards and hangers-on. Outside, the lights of Tokyo winked and sparkled at him. He almost smiled when he remembered how he'd been described on one website as the "handsome Chinese prince of Tokyo." Such silliness. As if he had everything he wanted.

He didn't.

He'd fled to the office, for once driving his own car (and he hadn't driven in so long, he'd almost stalled the car twice when he'd let go of the clutch prematurely) after the argument with his mother.

His fists clenched. _**Goddamn Eriol!**_

Eriol had gone to his mother with the news that Syaoran was in love with a non-Chinese girl. Though Eriol had had the grace not to name Sakura, he had let it slip that the woman Syaoran loved worked in his office. He sank into the unpleasant memory again.

"_The guards say you were driven home by a woman," Yelan abruptly said as they were served the miso soup. Syaoran was suddenly reminded of his carelessness, and he carefully thought before answering._

"_It was along the way and she was kind enough to drop me off," he said._

_He knew it was the wrong answer when his mother's eyes narrowed._

"_You are not allowed to ride anywhere other than in your armored SUVs. What were you thinking, Xiao Lang?"_

_His Chinese name. Syaoran knew she was angry at him._

"_You can't let this continue," Yelan said, eyes narrowing at Syaoran._

"_Let what continue?" he asked—though he knew what it was._

"_That woman in your office. Fire her," Yelan said._

_Syaoran gritted his teeth. "I haven't done anything, Ma-Ma."_

"_We don't have to wait for that. Of course I want you to have children; for God's sake Syaoran you're almost thirty and I doubt you would want anyone who is half your age. But she has to be Chinese. You _**know **_this; it's in your father's will."_

_Syaoran remained silent, annoyed. How many times would he have to forgo what he wanted for the sake of the reputation of the Lis? How many times would he have to yield to Yelan's demands?_

"_I'm waiting for an answer, Xiao Lang," his mother said quietly. _

"_My sisters have children," Syaoran said, placing his chopsticks to the side of his plate. He wasn't hungry anymore._

"_Not you. And you are the heir, Syaoran."_

"_Why can't it be my Achi? She's the eldest," Syaoran argued for the sake of arguing._

"_You're male," was the simple answer, and Syaoran knew the force of tradition was behind his mother's words._

"_Yeah?" Syaoran spat before he could think his words over. "So? I have a right to live my life the way I like."_

_Yelan stared at Syaoran. His actions, his words; what she feared had come to pass. He was deeply in love with this woman._

"**Who **_is she?" _

_No sense pretending he didn't know what she was talking about. "Why don't you ask Eriol, since I'm sure that's where you got your information," Syaoran said as he rose from the table. "Pardon me. I think the accounting figures need reviewing."_

_Without waiting to be excused, he left. Damn the consequences._

Eight in the evening. Syaoran picked up his phone and booked the first flight to Hong Kong. Screw everything. He would dump it all in Eriol's lap, see how the bastard liked it. He had no luggage save his cell phone and wallet, and he took a cab to the airport before anyone could stop him.

The security guards at the JB quickly reported the strange occurrence to their head of security, who immediately alerted Syaoran's mother.

Once Yelan Li found out, she summoned Eriol.

"Talk," was all she said.

Eriol racked his brains. What had provoked this? To stall for time, he asked, "Where's Syaoran?"

"Damned if I know," Yelan said, though she knew and was merely testing Eriol.

He cursed and opened his cell phone to call Syaoran, only to be told that 'the mobile subscriber is out of the network coverage area.' He looked up to see Yelan watching him.

"You know?"

"I suspect he went home to Hong Kong. It's worse than I thought. He's angry enough to defy me," Yelan said sadly. "He must truly love her."

"Perhaps it's his wild oats. He'll get over it," Eriol said.

"You keep telling yourself that," Yelan said softly.

"Li-sama..." Eriol began, unable to find the words to explain what he had seen in Syaoran's office

"Find him and remind him of his duties. He can't sulk like a small boy."

Eriol sighed and turned to leave. She was right. Syaoran had always been steady, reliable, dependable. This wild act of impulse...it simply wasn't him. So he braced himself to do one of the worst things he would ever have to do to Syaoran.

_**It's for Syaoran's own good, **_Eriol thought.

Too bad it had the ring of a man desperately trying to convince himself he was doing the right thing.

* * *

Sakura lay in bed, hugging her pillow, enjoying a weekend lie-in. She was thinking of Syaoran, who had spent a lunch hour with her outside the office yesterday, laughing and joking about the people they knew.

It had barely been six months but Sakura was smart enough to know she had fallen in love with him. And...did he return her feelings? He made excuses to see her, to include her in meetings, to talk to her...she even had a collection of strangely sweet messages on her cell phone from him—mostly jokes with hidden meanings to them.

Could she leave Yasu for Syaoran?

Immediately she stomped on the thought. No. How could she leave an established relationship for a man she barely knew?

But oh, how tender Syaoran could be. The way he looked at her, the way he smiled when their eyes met across the room, the way he made her feel important and needed, not useful and something of an obligation as Yasu made her feel.

She was interrupted by the ringing of her phone. No number was displayed on the screen. Warily she picked up.

"About time," came Syaoran's laughing voice.

"Li...er, Syaoran-san?" Sakura asked carefully. Was he drunk?

"When will you ever learn my name?" Syaoran asked playfully. "Come on puppy girl. Call me by the name you gave me."

"Um..." Again Sakura wondered if he was drunk. "Okay Hands, what is it?"

"I'm in Hong Kong," Syaoran said.

"Huh. You didn't tell me that you were going there during lunch yesterday," Sakura said.

"That's 'cause I came here just now. I made the decision to go just last night, and now I'm here."

"What have you been drinking?" Sakura demanded.

His laughter was rich and raucous. "I haven't! I'm just enjoying being me. No one's here with me, see?"

"Syaoran...what's wrong?" Sakura asked gently.

Syaoran stopped laughing. How could she always see right through him? "I like street food," was his unrelated answer. How could he tell her that his mother had asked him to fire her? How could he tell her he loved her when she belonged to someone else?

_**It's very serious,**_ Sakura thought. He doesn't do things like this. "Had an argument with your mother?"

Syaoran sighed. She knew at least part of it. "Yes." That was all he said.

"Well then," Sakura chirped, "I hope you have fun in Hong Kong."

He appreciated how she would ask him what was wrong then not dwell on it or bug him about it. "Would be more fun if you were here," Syaoran said softly. He'd stopped near the harbor, by the dark and silent pier where the ferries left. Why hadn't he thought of it? It was a weekend; he could have dropped by her house—he knew her address though he'd never been there—and he could have taken her with him. "Wish I'd dropped by and picked you up. Then we could be here together."

_**Did he just say that? **_Sakura, heart in her throat, risked a statement of her own. "I imagine it would be."

"Someday we have to go off together, just you and me," Syaoran said. "Promise you'll go with me."

"I promise," Sakura said, and smiled.

It was a promise she would never keep.

Ignoring the charges, Syaoran walked the streets of Hong Kong while talking to Sakura. It was the strangest 'date' he'd ever been on: he would go to a hawker stall, buy something, then tell Sakura what it tasted like. Or he would walk through a street market and tell her what was there. Salesclerks stared as he argued playfully with her on the phone; if Sakura made the mistake of asking him if there was a pink version of something, he would threaten to buy it until she screamed in protest.

"...and you can even buy tea made out of animals!"

"Eww!" Sakura squealed. "No way!"

"Hell yeah," Syaoran grinned; he was standing in front of a large vat of crocodile tea, and the owners were amused by the way he was talking into his cell phone. "I know. I'll buy you some..."

"Don't you dare!" Sakura was pacing her bedroom, unconsciously keeping pace with Syaoran as he walked.

"But I want to...I have to bring you something," Syaoran said, stopping in front of the curio district in Mongkok. "Come on. Please? If you agree then I won't make you edit the business section for a week," he wheedled.

"Then," Sakura drew a breath, "you choose."

Syaoran knew what she was asking: _**show me how well you know me with what you get for me.**_

"I'll give it to you when I return," he said softly. "You'll see. I'll call you back later."

And he headed for Central to get some of the tomato porkchops he liked. His mother would have had a fit; he was eating street food, fried food...and he was all alone.

He loved it.

He finally found a small item he wanted to give Sakura, and he had it wrapped before he placed it in his pocket. Then he kept his promise to call her back. They talked as he took the subway, enjoyed the trams...Syaoran was enjoying being aimless, wandering without purpose or destination like a young boy.

Often the call was cut when he boarded the subway or went through signal-free areas. But he would call back, and Sakura would answer. He told her of the way the parks looked at night, the harbor, the lights, even the seedy bars in certain areas of Wan Chai, and Sakura would laugh and plead for him to tell her more.

And he did.

Once Syaoran was on the way back to his hotel, his phone protested; his battery was giving out.

"Fuck," he said softly.

"What? Did the great Li Syaoran just say a very dirty word?" Sakura teased.

"My battery is giving out," he said. "Goddamnit."

"You can call me later or tomorrow, it's okay," Sakura said. "No need to fret."

"No," Syaoran said. "No dammit no I can't!"

Sakura was taken aback by the vehemence of his tone. "Syaoran?"

"Tomorrow everything will be different. Tomorrow Eriol will have found me and tomorrow I'll probably be going back. Tomorrow we'll both feel different; we'll remember our duties and obligations," he said quickly, ignoring the increasingly desperate bleeps of his phone. "Tomorrow won't be now, and I...I want you to know that tonight was magic, and the only thing that would really complete it would be for you to really be here with me. Tomorrow...tomorrow I can't tell you that...that I love you," Syaoran said. "Did you know that, Sakura?"

No response. Had she hung up? Syaoran stared at his phone.

It was dead.

Sakura said, "Hello? Syaoran?" Her phone beeped; the call had been cut. The last she'd heard was, "Tomorrow won't be now, and I want you to know that tonight was magic, and the only thing that would really complete it would be for you to really be here with me. Tomorrow...tomorrow I can't tell you that...that I l..."

What had he been trying to say?

She could sense that something important had happened and she'd missed out on it. But she didn't know where he was; she'd forgotten to ask where he was staying, and even then, how could she call there?

She wanted to much to tell him that yes, she agreed; tonight had been magic, tonight, if only he'd ask she would have run away with him, would have told him she loved him even if he didn't feel the same way.

And oh, how she hated tomorrow.

* * *

"You made several phone calls lasting nearly four hours to Sakura Kinomoto's number the night you were gone," Eriol told Syaoran, who was staring stonily at the wall across him. The bare hotel room allowed Eriol's words to echo, and Syaoran was letting Eriol's words wash over him. "Pay attention! Shit, Syaoran, you are not an eleven year-old boy!"

"You told my mother, didn't you?" Syaoran asked expressionlessly.

"LI XIAO LANG!" Eriol virtually screamed. "Do you realize what you've just done?"

"Did something spontaneous for the first time in my life," Syaoran said stubbornly. "And you had no right to check my phone records."

Eriol rubbed his head. _**Stupid son-of-a-bitch, **_he thought. Syaoran was not making this easy.

"Fine. But don't blame me if your family..." Eriol shut up and turned towards the door, only to find Syaoran blocking it.

"If they what, Eriol?" Syaoran asked in a low voice, his tone dangerous.

"What do you think?"

Syaoran paled. "My mother wouldn't dare."

"Pull more stunts like this and you may find 'evidence' that Sakura is a shoplifter. Or maybe someone might attack her at home. But we won't do that. What I had in mind was to tell her fiance," Eriol said softly. "Then he can deal with her. No need for you to be involved." Eriol knew about the violence Yasu was capable of, and this way, only Syaoran could take the blame if anything happened.

"Fuck you," Syaoran said as he backed away.

Eriol ignored the profanity. "I'll see you at the lobby in an hour. Make your decision by then," he said softly, and closed the door behind him.

When Syaoran joined him at the lobby an hour and a half later, no words were exchanged between them. Eriol sighed in relief. Syaoran would do the right thing.

He had to.

* * *

**I'm so sorry I've been out for so long. Work, stress, the lack of breaks...I was also out of town for so long with no net access! But since I have chapters ready, I'll just put them up one by one as soon as I finish going through them again for a final check. This chapter is dedicated to Cheeseycraziness and xXxCherryBlossomxXx. To the woman who inspired it, thank you for letting me know the story behind it all.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Bittersweet 3**

**Fragments of the End, Sans a Beginning**

Partly co-authored with CheeseyCraziness, before she left FFN. It's been a year and a half, and so as soon as I could finish what I had of my notes, I posted this. My apologies to all who were waiting for this.

* * *

(Five years later)

_Syaoran adjusted his tuxedo nervously. Though he knew he looked just fine for the social, he couldn't help but feel like he stood out. Like he didn't belong here. Still, what else was there for him to do as he searched the crowd, circulated in hopes of finding just one beloved face that he had not seen, save in his dreams, for five long, lonely years?_

_The Lava Lounge was located in a large mansion in Hong Kong. Syaoran had picked up some information that said that Sakura had moved to Hong Kong. It had taken him __five years; he'd been to the US, to Europe, to other Asian countries, on what were ostensibly business trips to establish his own business empire, but a few days were always devoted to finding out what he could about Sakura. Since he no longer could rely on the connections he had when he was still with his family, or indeed on Eriol Hiiragizawa, to whom he no longer spoke, he was reduced to searching by himself, unwilling to hire a detective for that purpose._

_So he watched the crowds pass. He watched the young ladies chatter and twitter about the men they wanted to be asked to dance by; he watched the young men converse about which women they wished to ask to dance._

_So silly. And he was part of the silliness, albeit reluctantly. He felt like a penguin in a tropical forest; he had no wish to chatter, to talk to anyone, anything._

_Syaoran had no idea how handsome he still was. Though a tinge of gray had begun to streak his hair, and shallow lines were on his forehead, Syaoran was still well-built and his deep brown eyes held an attractive melancholy. Women cast him speculative looks, but his natural arrogance, one which had never left him, kept them at bay. And he was not interested in anyone; if he couldn't have _**her**_, then no one else would do._

_Why was he attending this silly party, anyway? Because there was a chance that _**she**_ would be there. How one person could disappear so completely from his life after being a part of it, a beloved and cherished part of it, was beyond his ability to understand. There were times when he was tempted to give up, in fact._

_But five years without knowing if she was still out there somewhere, waiting, had taken a toll on him. Just to see her. Just an hour, half an hour, ten minutes—just to take back everything, to tell her the truth, to show her how absolutely sorry he was for all the bad decisions he'd made then... he would have sold his soul for that hour with her._

**Sakura.**

_The chattering of the crowd rose and fell like a wave. Waiters pushed through the crowd, bearing platters of freshly cut organic fruit. He caught sight of a red Delicious apple on one tray, and suddenly, like it was yesterday, he remembered the day everything had gone to hell—and what role he'd played in it._

_

* * *

  
_

(Present time)

It was the height of winter. Tokyo was cold, and when Sakura walked into her office that morning, she found no apple on her desk. She wasn't surprised; Syaoran had just returned from Hong Kong, she knew.

But something about the lack of the apple sent a small thrill of apprehension through her. Sakura shook it off, and decided to talk to him when she saw him. In the evening, she found a small present from him on her desk.

She opened it, and smiled. In it was a tiny pink Hello Kitty brooch. So he had listened to her, after all. It was unique: pink crystals dotted Kitty's dress, and two little oval onyxes were her eyes. They had joked a lot about Hello Kitty in their many conversations in the past, and for him to remember that and her favourite color...

How could she not love him?

She turned over the small box the present had come in, but there was no note. He didn't answer when she called to thank him, so she decided to talk to him the next day when she saw him, which she did an hour before lunch.

"Ne, Syaoran," Sakura grinned when she saw him back at the office, "how was your trip? And thanks for the present!"

He nodded coolly at her and walked past.

_Bad mood, _Sakura decided. Syaoran had his moods, and Sakura had learned to adjust to them. Usually he liked being joked out of his bad moods, and so she waited until lunch time before sending him a text message: _"Maybe some takoyaki will get you out of the funk you're in. My treat? Bento bar at Jiho street."_

No response. Sakura waited until one o'clock, but when no response was forthcoming—he usually responded within seconds, normally—she gave up and went out to lunch alone

Sakura decided he'd gone to a meeting, and was surprised to learn he'd been in the office the whole time. Maybe he had not received her message?

That afternoon, she ran into him in one of the quiet corridors of the building.

"Syaoran! Hey, how was your trip?" she said, keeping pace with him. She smiled, and peeked up at him playfully.

"Okay," he said. He didn't look at her.

Sakura looked up at him. Just the other night, as they talked, he had been sweet, giddy, playful even. Who was this then? She resisted the urge to pinch Syaoran.

"Is there a problem... with your mother?" she began tentatively.

He raised an eyebrow but still did not look at her. "None of your business," he said roughly, then abruptly turned a corner, leaving her alone and confused.

Syaoran leaned against the wall when he sensed Sakura wasn't following him. It wasn't easy, and yet it was easy. The hurt expression in her eyes... god no, he didn't want to see it there but if she hated him, maybe she would back away, maybe she would leave and then she wouldn't have to suffer what his family might have in store for her.

_**How stupid**_, Syaoran thought, placing an arm over his eyes. _**I must hurt her to protect her**_. Suddenly he was laughing; bitter, angry, brittle laughter. No one would see him; no one should see him. He couldn't cry; he hadn't cried since he was a child.

_**I can't do this!**_Syaoran screamed in his head.

Images of Sakura's hurt, confused face floated in his mind. He'd been cold and distant the whole day, and it was hard. But he had to do it; Eriol's words, Eriol's watchful eyes haunted him.

He raised his cellphone to his face, scrolling quickly through it, then pressing DELETE. It was done; Sakura's number was no longer there.

He then began slowly deleting her messages to him. One wrenched at his frayed emotions, and he read through it several times first. _"I don't think you're doing a bad job. I think someone should tell you you've done things it would take years to do, and I just wish that I were someone who could tell this to you and make you see that it's true. Your family has to see how well you've done things, and I believe they will. Cheer up!"_ She had sent it to him on a day when he was feeling underappreciated and overworked.

She had no idea how much it had meant to him, and Syaoran closed his eyes as he hit DELETE.

When Eriol found him in the corridor several minutes later, Syaoran was completely calm. But the remains of his phone lay several feet away from him.

"What..." Eriol began.

"I dropped it," Syaoran said nonchalantly. "Too bad. Have the janitor clean it up, will you?"

* * *

A week later, a new employee, Filimina Ong, had been put in place as editor for a large section. She was a big, jolly half-blooded Chinese woman in her late forties, and her booming laughter and smiles put Sakura at ease, initially. They shared an office, and Sakura occasionally turned to her for help with her section. Mina, as the woman liked to be called, sent Sakura tips, helped her contact key people for her section, and forwarded articles to her for her use.

The only thing that disturbed Sakura was Mina's obvious sucking up to Syaoran in public. She would praise Syaoran's looks, his diplomatic abilities, his 'masterful' handling of editorial meetings, and so on. At first it was amusing, and there were times Sakura was tempted to send Syaoran a humorous message, but she decided against it. He probably would not reply anyway.

Syaoran had not contacted Sakura in all this time, and when they ran into each other by chance, she would greet him and he would nod, but nothing would happen. He never sent her messages again or called her, and in sad bewilderment, Sakura quietly accepted that whatever had been between them was over.

"Good boy," Eriol Hiiragizawa said over lunch with Syaoran in the large, ornate dining room of the JB.

"To what do I owe your condescension?" Syaoran lifted an eyebrow.

"You've cut Kinomoto out of your life. Keep it up and she'll quit, move temptation out of your way."

"I was never tempted." Syaoran calmly continued sipping the nido soup he liked. He resisted the urge to add, _'She is nothing to me.' _Eriol would never believe that.

"You've gotten better at hiding your emotions," Eriol said, a tiny smile on his lips. "Which is why you deserve this." And he passed over a large file folder to Syaoran, who opened it and skimmed through the documents.

"Ah," was all Syaoran said.

"Let me be the first to call you President," Eriol beamed. "Your mother was pleased when you got rid of Kinomoto."

"I would prefer to think that my abilities and hard work earned me this, not the avoidance of one woman," Syaoran said coldly.

"Forgive me then," Eriol said. "But you must assume the position soon—and the responsibilities that go with it."

Syaoran managed not to turn pale. Responsibilities. When his mother was involved, that included...

Eriol summoned a serving butler, who returned with Filimina Ong and a pretty, young Chinese girl in her early twenties.

"Syaoran-sama," Filimina smiled, "this is my daughter Nirina."

Syaoran raised an eyebrow. "Isn't that a rather unconventional name for a pureblood?"

Mina laughed. "Ah but we flout the old ways when we feel like it. Anyway Nirina is going to intern here as she has just finished college. I thought she... might be to your liking."

The girl curtseyed, and Syaoran smiled at her. He found her charming: pale smooth skin, flirtatious eyes, and a Cupid's bow of a mouth made her quite pretty. it was like she had been designed to attract an Oriental man.

"She can intern in your section."

"Wasn't Sakura formerly a teacher?" Mina's smile was feral in intensity. "Perhaps Nirina can start there."

"Very well. See to it," Syaoran said. He dismissed all but MIna.

"Is this the one my mother chose?" he asked her baldly once they were alone, without beating around the bush.

"She is a virgin," Mina smiled.

"Fine." Syaoran dismissed her as well, then retreated to his office, where he spent several minutes staring out of the window. _Might as well cut clean,_ he thought to himself.

And a few days later, he found himself in an engagement ceremony with Nirina.

* * *

"Nirina?" Sakura smiled as she brought the printout to the girl, who was around twenty-two. "The article I asked for needed to focus on English mistakes made by non-native speakers of the language. Erm, you kind of missed the point."

The paragraph written by Nirina, clearly unfit for publication, read, "Haha! So for to all you out there who are listening to this article, written by me, you should know now by now that English is so totally not an easy language. There are many mistakes you can make, and I'm here to remind y'all of them all!"

Nirina stared at Sakura before turning on her smile. "Oh, dear, I am so sorry."

"Never mind that; it's already the running deadline so I rewrote it."

"My credit line..." Nirina looked at the proof. "Why did you remove my credit line?"

"Because the article is no longer yours," Sakura explained patiently.

"Oh." Nirina pouted.

As soon as Sakura's back was turned, she went to her mother's office and complained bitterly of Sakura's 'unfairness'. A few hours later, Sakura was summoned to Syaoran's office.

"She's a good girl from a good family. Why can't you be more patient with her?" Syaoran snapped.

"But...she made a mistake. Have a look at the original article. It's very badly written. Nirina is not a writer, I'm sorry. She needs training."

"You should have run the original," Syaoran said coldly after perusing it.

"Are you... Isn't this my call as an editor?" Sakura protested. "Don't you see how badly written it is?"

"Not when you're being unreasonable," Syaoran replied.

Sakura looked at Syaoran; his eyes were hard and cold. She sighed, and said, "Fine. But I stick by my evaluation."

"You needn't be so rude. Nirina needs guidance."

"Yes, and I was trying to give it to her but she does not listen, it's in one ear and out the other! She's a stubborn girl who thinks her looks will take her far."

"I won't have you discuss my fiancée that way," Syaoran snarled.

"Your... fiancée?" Sakura said slowly.

"Yes."

"But isn't that unprofessional?" Sakura argued. "Castigating me on that basis?"

"Kinomoto, that will be all from you," Syaoran said as he turned around and began to work on his computer. "Out."

Sakura stared at him, then left his office, seething at the unfairness of his treatment. But that was only the beginning. At meetings for editors, Nirina was suddenly included, despite not being an employee. If Sakura said anything, Nirina or her mother would shoot her down, and if they laughed, Syaoran would laugh along with them.

After one vicious meeting, in which Sakura had been mocked for a mistake another editor had made, she decided to take a day off to think.

_**What did I do? **_Sakura hugged herself; it was suddenly too cold. Had she said or done something to offend him?

_**It's me, **_she realized quickly. Images of her broken past relationships whirled in her head, the men who had been with her briefly then walked away. She'd thought Syaoran was different..._**no, don't blame him**_, she thought. _**It's you, it's always you, you repel people, you do the wrong thing!**_

But there hadn't been anything, not that she remembered. And it would have hurt and confused her more if she'd known that she had not, indeed, done anything at all.

The mother and daughter tandem did not let up, though. Mina slipped Sakura an article which she claimed was to be published in her section 'on Syaoran's orders.' Dutifully Sakura included it in her lineup, and Syaoran approved the section, initialling the pages concerned.

On the day the section came out, he summoned her in a towering rage. "This is in the wrong section! We look stupid for running this! How could you?"

"But—but you approved it!" Sakura held up the proofs, on which Syaoran's initial was visible.

"Never mind that," he snapped. "You should have caught the error."

"But Mina told me to..."

"Can't you use your own judgment? Now you want to point at Mina?"

"But I..."

"But, but, but. I don't want excuses, Kinomoto!"

Sakura's mouth opened, but nothing came out. She was grateful for when Syaoran abruptly dismissed her, and she hid in the bathroom to calm down.

One person saw her go in, and decided the time was ripe for worse action.

Soon, people looked at Sakura with barely disguised malice. She'd gotten used to it over time, but it didn't get easier. She knew they were celebrating her 'downfall' from Syaoran's good graces.

These days, she sent one of her assistants, Mari, up with the proofs, not wanting to face Syaoran that day. His cold and cruel streak had kept up over the past few weeks, and she couldn't take it, not especially now when she was considering accepting Yasu's proposal

She knew it was a mistake; she no longer was in love with Yasu, and he wanted a trophy wife to show to his office. But his work would transfer them around Asia: Hong Kong, Bangkok, Phnom Penh. It meant she would have to resign from the JB.

It meant leaving Syaoran behind.

She remembered his words from long ago: _**do you want to live a life without love?**_

No, she did not. But what she wanted and what options were open to her were two different things.

"Ooh did you hear?" Mei Ling, her senior assistant, rushed over. "Li-sama is transfering us to the newly opened Internet section!"

"Internet?" Sakura gasped. Why hadn't he told her himself since he was, after all, her direct boss?

Mei Ling continued babbling happily. "Online is the future! Oh God, Sakura-san, you have to hear all my plans! We'll have videos, blogs, link exchanges with big sites, internet-only content... We can have our own pool of writers!"

Sakura smiled, and directed the girl to list her ideas. _Mei Ling was ready to command a section on her own,_ she mused.

And perhaps it was time to give the girl that chance.

At home, alone, eating a microwave dinner she did not taste, Sakura thought about her options. Syaoran had grown progressively rude, cold, and distant. Sometimes it was like he had turned into someone else entirely; once, sending him a message asking him about an interview she had been assigned to take, she was shocked to receive the response, "Who's this?"

Closing her eyes, Sakura breathed in and out quietly. As a child she had always found it easy to cry, and her brother had encouraged it. "Get it out of your system, _kaijuu_," he would tease, but he would stay and make sure she felt better. Her dad Fujitaka would make no comment but he would make a special treat for dinner, or slip something nice into her bento box.

When they had died abruptly, Sakura had found that remembering the good times with them helped her cope. So she tried remembering the times when she and Syaoran had been—could she call it 'together'?

But instead of wrapping her in a warm, happy cocoon, the memories, when compared against the Syaoran who was with her now—if it could be called that—sliced at her. They mocked at her; she could not reconcile the Syaoran she used to have food fights with, with the one who finally ended eating out with her with the brutal message, "I don't have time. Stop asking me," the last time she asked.

She touched the tiny Hello Kitty brooch he had brought back from Hong Kong. Had it only been a few months since that? She'd been delighted that he remembered what she was fond of, and it wasn't too expensive, but it showed how well he knew what she liked.

Maybe it was all just an illusion? Maybe he had just been nice to ease her into the office. Maybe he'd just been toying with her.

Sakura looked out the window at the falling snow and then down at the small box Yasu had given her. The engagement ring. Perhaps it was time to accept, after all.

She wished she could cry, because she felt crying would bring back that warm feeling inside of her. All she felt inside was a coldness, like a child who's been left at an orphanage and is told, "No one is coming for you, now stop pretending someone will."

Well, if she could not cry then there were other things she could do. And Sakura quietly began the preparations so that she could not turn back, not even if she wanted to.

* * *

"What?" Syaoran asked, irritated. He hated being interrupted when he was trying to coordinate the JB's new workflow. In an attempt to prevent layoffs, Syaoran had cut overtimes, reduced hours, and clamped down on goofing off in the office.

He was tired. And without Sakura's comforting presence, he was floundering. He needed her, more than ever, but in accordance with his unspoken agreement with Eriol, he had avoided Sakura. _It was all for the best,_ he told himself. And he had begun treating her badly; he needed to keep the suspicions of Mina and Eriol off him, and it seemed to be working.

So why did it hurt so much when she in turn began avoiding him as well?

"Li-san," Sakura said quietly.

Syaoran was surprised; he hadn't seen her since he'd moved her to the Internet section. It ran smoothly, a testament to her capabilities, and he'd simply pushed the thought of her out of his mind the past few weeks. She looked beautiful as ever, but she had lost weight, her green eyes were somewhat dull, and her face was a bit pale. Was she all right?

Then he remembered himself. _**Don't show weakness,**_ he admonished himself, and he snapped out a curt, "What is it? Quickly, now. Don't waste my time."

Sakura flinched, but stepped towards his large desk and placed a folder on it. "Since I'm at management level, I don't need to give two week's notice, but I still am. Mei Ling is taking over my section, and the details are in the folder."

A long silence, then Syaoran asked, "Why the hell are you resigning?" He almost winced; the statement came out harsher than he intended.

"I'm getting married." Sakura was proud that her voice didn't quaver at the lie. "After the holiday rush."

"Ah." Syaoran would never know how he managed to keep his face straight; he wanted to scream at her, he wanted to throttle her, he wanted to kiss her. He'd expected her to resign, yes...but not to suddenly get married!

A small diamond ring gleamed on her hand, and he thought, _if I had given that to you, it would be a more beautiful band, a more brilliant diamond._

_And I would never have cheated on you with a bimbo. I would have loved you for every man who did not love you, and..._

_And I am a coward. Forgive me._

"Why so quick?" was all Syaoran asked.

"We've known each other, Yasu and I, for so long. Might as well," Sakura shrugged.

Syaoran lost it, though his voice was still calm. "Oh, I see. So you chose not to be alone, even if your heart isn't in it." He swiveled his chair so he wouldn't be facing her anymore.

_Is he sneering at me? _Sakura wondered. She almost decided not to go through with what she had planned, but she swallowed then placed something else on his table.

"For you, Li-san," she said quietly. "Sorry for taking up your time, and thank you for everything." She quietly slipped out of his office.

Syaoran sat staring at the wall for a few minutes, angry, hurt, and confused. What was the point of her coming to see him then? And, 'Li-san'? What had happened to Syaoran?

He stood up and began to pace in front of his huge office window. The folder with her papers was on his desk, and angrily, he swept it to the floor. "Damn her!"

Something clattered and tinkled, and Syaoran bent down to retrieve it. He gasped; it was her engagement ring, and a note.

_Syaoran-Hands, I hope you will forgive that I did not return your present from Hong Kong. It's the only reminder I have of you, and it means a lot to me. Even if you never felt the same way, I wish it had been you. Have a good life, and be happy. If there is still a chance that somewhere in your life there is room for me, I'll wait a little bit outside your office window, but if you choose to ignore me, I understand. Yours for the last time, Sakura-Puppy._

_**No,**_ Syaoran thought, and he looked out the window. He could see Sakura standing in the snow, looking up at his window. From her angle, he knew she could not see him, and yet he waved at her, screaming at her to wait. He took the stairs two at a time, running frantically, scaring the guards when he barrelled out, sweater-less, into the snow.

"Sakura!" He screamed her name over and over as he ran to the corner where she had been standing.

"Sakura!" She wasn't there anymore.

He looked around frantically; the snow had picked up in intensity and was whirling about him with blinding force, biting painfully at his exposed skin. He hailed a passing cab, and screamed out Sakura's address, scaring the driver.

Once they arrived, he flung several thousand yen at the driver, who was glad to be rid of his strange, frantic passenger, and pounded on her door.

A "For Rent" sign dropped to Syaoran's feet. He picked it up, and stared at it for a long time.

It was two weeks before he was discharged from the hospital; he picked up a respiratory infection as he'd stood in the snow for over an hour, numb and unseeing.

It took two months for Syaoran to move out of his family's home, telling his mother and Eriol to go fuck themselves, and to start up a successful business of his own. He broke up the engagement with Nirina and fired Filimina before he left the JB.

It was two years before the scandal of the Li heir disinheriting himself died down in Japan.

* * *

_(Five years later)_

"Will you marry me?"

Sakura stared into the gentle hazel eyes of the man sitting across her. She made no reply but smiled.

"I know you don't love me that way," he continued, "but I do love you, Sakura, and I would like to take care of you. I know your heart may never be mine, but I am willing to live with that if you allow me the honor of being the one to love you."

Sakura sighed. "And what kind of a marriage would that be? It would be unfair to you, Akihiro," she said.

He smiled and ran his hands through his wavy black hair. "It would be a marriage of two people who are trying to understand the world," he said gently as he took her hand. "I think I understand you, and I confess that even that kind of a marriage would make me happy. You're not the kind of woman who is happy unloved," he said. "You aren't happy alone."

Sakura felt it; a soft burning need in her heart. Ahikiro was a gentle man; he had been her consolation when she first left Japan five years ago, and had been a steady, soothing presence in her life. She wanted to run to him, to let him take care of her and give her the comfort of his love. But...

"I can't use you like that," Sakura said quietly.

"Then think of it this way," Akihiro smiled. "You're not using me, you're making me happy. I know you don't want to be alone, but I also know that the one your heart belongs to cannot be yours. Perhaps if you took a chance on me, maybe someday you might learn to love me. And even if that day never comes, I believe I can love enough for both of us. Think about it, Sakura," he said.

There was no pleading in Akihiro's eyes, just a kind smile. Sakura was tired of being alone, of taking care of herself, and she wavered.

"You have to give me some time," she said.

"I understand," Akihiro said. "Come, let's get some custard," he said, as he rose and took her hand. He then began to laugh happily. "Custard tastes better when you have it with someone you love. Perhaps someday we'll have custard together, and it will be the best in the world for you."

"Akihiro—I can't lead you on. You know how I feel—you know what happened to me in Japan."

For an answer he hugged her. "I love everything about you, and if I scare you then I shall back off. But I can feel that you need me, so please let me be here for you."

He took so much joy just from being with Sakura, and she knew it. He cared for her, had practically taken her in when she first arrived in Hong Kong, and now, he was proposing to care for her the rest of their lives.

_It couldn't be so bad to be married to him, _Sakura thought.

And remembered a time five years earlier when she had thought that about Yasu.

She had broken it off with him; to her surprise he hadn't reacted. When he'd married a rich heiress barely two months later, she had her answer. He had been waiting for it.

Now Akihiro stood before her. With jet-black hair that came in unruly but attractive waves, large hazel eyes, and a tall, muscular frame, he was quite handsome. He'd made no secret of his feelings for her, and had patiently stood by her all the five years she had been working with him.

_Sometimes what we want is right in front of us_, she thought, _and we never realize it until it's gone._

No. She looked into his eyes; he calmly stood there and let her think, focusing her gaze on him.

She realized she could not go through the pain of losing his friendship. Losing Syaoran had been the worst; had it not been for Akihiro quietly comforting her without knowing the full story, forcing her to eat and helping her face the world... where would she be now?

_Maybe the custard will taste good tonight, _she told herself.

Smiling, Sakura nodded, and he led her to the custard bar that he frequented. And, surprisingly, the custard did taste good, and they enjoyed themselves.

Sakura remembered how to laugh as he fed her slivers of chocolate custard and joked lightly. Akihiro was a warm, gentle person, and she felt that perhaps it was time to let herself step towards the warmth of his love.

"The custard tastes good," she said softly, and when Akihiro smiled, she smiled happily back at him. Perhaps it was time to give love another chance.

* * *

_Syaoran bit his lips; his fists clenched unconsciously. He'd been trying to track her down since that December morning that he had lost her. He hated the word "if" because it haunted him now. If he'd realized what she was trying to say sooner. If he'd been more open, more brave, more selfless. If he'd just moved faster. If he had been a little more loving and a lot less prideful. If._

_Sakura's best friend Tomoyo Daidouji had flatly refused to tell him where she was, and had moved out and changed her number. When he had last talked to her, she had merely eyed him disdainfully and said, "Like you care," turned her back on him, and slammed the door on him._

_Begging and pleading were things Syaoran could never do, and when he finally conquered his pride to try that on Daidouji, he could no longer trace her._

"_Damn," he whispered, more to himself than anything else. He knew she was in Hong Kong, and the memory of that one phone call, five years ago when they both were still as innocent as they could be as adults, that one carefree walk through Hong Kong in which he had finally managed to tell her he loved her only to have the fates step in and cut the call, tugged painfully at his emotions. He wondered if he'd had anything to do with her decision to go here._

_He snorted. _Yeah right, Li, like she would still care for you after what you put her through.

_One man, tall, dark, and with a very serious yet handsome face, approached the women clustered near the grand staircase. His eyes were an unusual shade of hazel, and for some reason, he riveted Syaoran's attention. He couldn't see to whom the man was speaking, but he seemed to be asking one of the ladies something._

_Then moved away to let one of the women pass, and he saw _her.

It couldn't be, could it?

_But it was. __Sakura, in a sleek black dress that flared lovingly around her now mature but still slender curves. _

_He stared. In five years, she still looked the same as she ever had...beautiful. _

She never wore black before,_ Syaoran thought. The string of pearls on her neck set it off beautifully, yet the black...he had always associated her with color, bright happy colors._

_It drove home the point that she was so different. Her steps were weighted with reality's sorrows as they had never been before. She seemed more mature, but much less happy than before._

_Oh, if he had only denied his family sooner. If had chased her faster, longer, harder. If he had fought for the love he now openly admitted to having taken root deep in his heart._

_He stared in wonder, feeling stuck to the spot._

_The unknown man whispered something to her, then Sakura happened to glance back just before leaving his line of sight._

_Time stopped._

_Her bright emerald eyes widened and then relaxed quickly. He stared at her desperately, trying to make her understand. He was _**here**_. _

_And he was here only to find her. Nothing more. _

_Simply in staring, he felt his love for her, bottled up for so many long years, bubble to the top again, almost overflowing._

And she sent the stare right back. A glorious mixture of sadness, happiness, and the love he had always desired from her was expressed through just one look.

Then, a group of people walked right past Syaoran, several of them pausing to wave and chatter at friends. His eye contact was lost and good manners forbade Syaoran from pushing all those people away. He elbowed his way through them in desperation.

When he broke clear of them, Sakura was no longer there.

He continued to stare for a moment, but then realized this could be his final chance. He ran through the crowd, ignoring all bystanders, ignoring everything. Nothing mattered but that vision of her imprinted on his mind.

Syaoran found himself standing in the gardens of a beautiful mansion, the party's location. Left, right, and left again. She was nowhere.

Defeated, Syaoran let out the breath he had been unconsciously holding, and knelt slowly on the path.

He'd seen her. She'd seen him. And the love he'd been chasing for so many long years… one he'd lost through his own foolishness, pride, and stupidity. He'd found it, only to have her swiped from beneath his very nose by another. No doubt she was married by now to that odd man, as she should be. And he should have been married long ago to someone he didn't love but could cherish as though he did, rather than chasing this foolish dream.

His heart, having taken flight again for the first time in what felt like centuries, had crashed to the ground. But in the knowledge that he had flown at all, he felt neither better nor worse, but both. He could never fly again, but would always have that beautiful memory of doing so.

**The end.**

* * *

Wow. Nearly two years to complete this? My apologies.

Thanks for reading. Are you interested in a sequel? I've sort of got a sequel for this in my mind, but it would be a waste to write it if no one is interested. Pretty much it's a darker fic than this.

Proposed Summary_: Sakura is torn between her gentle, loving husband Akihiro and the once-faithless Syaoran, who is trying to win her back. _

I've always wondered about fics like this and it might be interesting to explore. Just drop me a review if you're interested ^_^


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